Getting stood up on a date lead to one of the greatest revelations of my life. This guy and I had already gone out once and had a great date. I got up the courage to call him to ask what happened. It was not easy to do and my heart was pounding. When he answered, I said kindly, “You asked me out, right?” He said he did, yes, and he had some reasons (ahem, excuses) why he didn’t call. Then, he picked it up off speaker and said, “Honestly, I’m not looking for anything right now.”
I didn’t know how to respond. My ego was hit. Should I do what I usually do and act like a cool girl agreeing that I’m not looking for anything either? Should I be the crazy girl and stomp that it’s not right?
Then, the most honest thing popped out of my mouth. I said gently and genuinely, “Thank you for not wasting my time.” It was so honest, so liberating, I continued. “I am looking for something. I’m ready for marriage and children, so if you know anyone, please set me up.”
The phrase “Thank you for not wasting my time” lead me to a life-changing perspective, valuing how I was spending my time. Not only in my schedule, but in my actions, my mind, and my emotions. How was I spending my time?
I read a lot of self-help books at the time and found they always advised how to get what I want, but they never told me when it would happen. That was really the missing information I needed!
I want to share three tools with you, from my experience, to help save you time getting what you want and get it faster.
Tool #1. Name Your Goal.
I don’t mean goal in an academic way to stress you out as in “Where do you want to be in five years?” I mean it in this way: What do you want? What did you wish for on your last birthday candle? Think of a goal as a wish with action.
Then, speak it. Say it out loud in a room by yourself. It is not the same to think it or journal it. I had never said it out loud before that moment and it created a freedom. A conviction. An admission. If you really have courage, say it to yourself into your own eyes in the mirror. Sh*t gets real when you look into your own eyes.
The reason this tool is so important is because a goal serves as a beacon to save you from distraction. Distraction can be in the form of obstacles, rejection, naysayers who tell you how hard it is, your own thoughts that tell you how hard it is, or someone’s social media page you’re not even interested in but spending precious time on. In those moments you remember, “What’s my goal again?” and you move forward, getting back on track.
Once you name your goal…
Tool #2. Get Curious About Your Goal.
Attitude is a big part of creating momentum. I was doing all the right things, going out to parties, dating, but I was stuck in frustration and disappointment. Naming my goal shifted my attitude from what I don’t have to what I do want.
Make everything research. For example, if I was stuck being a third wheel with a happy couple, I resented it and thought I was wasting my time. That changed to “Hey this is my goal right here in front of me!” I started asking every couple I knew how they met and what the secret to a happy marriage is. This flip in attitude created momentum and elevation instead of frustration.
Tool #3. Tally Your Irrelevant Thoughts.
I got curious about my how I was spending my time in my thoughts. One day, I took a pen and paper and wrote down any that popped up. I wanted to see what was actually being said in there. Turns out there were phrases like “It’ll never happen” and “I can’t imagine it happening”.
I found I had 7 negative thoughts but said them to myself at least 12 times each! I looked at that list in front of me and said, “First of all, one time is enough. I get it. I don’t need to say it to myself all day long.” I also noticed that the thoughts were IRRELEVANT. So what I couldn’t imagine it happening? My goal isn’t to have a better imagination! My goal is to get married or earn more money, or whatever goal it is at the time.
Once these thoughts took form on paper, in the moment of having one I could recognize it as a distraction. Then I was able to zip to “Name my goal.” I’d remember, then go to the next step getting curious about it and take action. See that?
I also love changing the phrase “negative thoughts” to “irrelevant thoughts”. I think “negative thoughts” is an overused phrase. It also implies that the only counter action is a positive thought. That makes it an opposite and gives it strength. An irrelevant thought has no where to go and is far easier to let go.
Name Your Goal. Get Curious. Tally Your Irrelevant Thoughts. It will keep you focused, gain momentum, and keep you moving forward so you can get what you want faster.
Thank you for your time.